Sitting at his computer, famished to put his subjective views into the writing assignment for English while meeting the teachers criteria, the adolescent author reflected his past and considered what to write with thoroughness and care.
Juggling ideas about as if they were weightless, unable to clearly specify or decide as to which emotion stuck out like a sore thumb. It were as if he was placed infront of a path that branched off in two directions -- forked like a snakes tongue speaking it's deception. Completely astounded for a few minutes, the writers block transiently passed when he came across the tattered memories he had so desperately forced to the back of his mind. Faded, and nearly forgotten, the presence of his first love had resurfaced from the deep, and brought with it a dark, dismal virulency. Just the thought of her -- his very own personal satan -- made the blood in his veins boil.
Two long, exhausting years, and not a damned thing to show for it but a decrepit heart. Oh how she weakened his frame of mind within those two dreary years. The way he now pictures her no longer remains as the beautiful, charming, passionate lady he thought he once knew, but rather a vile, inconsiderate, disdainful beast. Every moment spent remembering her image just makes the hate grow stronger and more powerful. If only to see her one more time, even a split second, she would learn of the excruciating pain and suffering she brought him throughout those two years. Let bygones be bygones, thought the author as he snuffed the hatred and ended his paper.

If this is your paper, then my advice to you was more true than I ever could have imagined. You emphasized hatred in your paper by writing about your hatred for writing a paper about your hatred!? Come on!!! This isn't Memento, it's an assignment for English class. Also way too many adjectives and similes, the writing has no flow to it at all. It's a really wordy third-person noir story, like the first Max Payne before they realized they could make it less wordy and more impactful in the sequel. I like how strong your emotions come through about the girl, but you should have written a story around that, not the narration for a video game cutscene involving it.

--F+

I have to admit I do kind of like it though, it reminds me of something I would do for english class--just being critical cuz I'm older, drunker, and madder now. But yeah, I would always completely over-complicate the assignment to make it more fun and 'smarter', and in the process completely fuck it up and miss the point of it. Teacher's always seemed to appreciate the different approach though and give me a good grade anyway, they get bored of the assignments too. So yeah, it's unfocused and poorly done, but it might be different enough to get you a good grade.

Haha thanks Askani'. It was hard as fuck to get started so I figured what the hell.. Just write what's going on at the moment and spark some ideas. >.<

If you're going to turn it in as is, I would edit it. Suggestion:

Sitting at his computer, the adolescent author was famished to put his subjective views into the writing assignment for English while meeting the teacher's criteria. He reflected his past and considered what to write with thoroughness and care.
Juggling ideas about as if they were weightless, he was unable to decide which emotion stuck out like a sore thumb. It were as though he was placed in front of a path that branched off in two directions- forked like a snake's tongue speaking it's deception. Completely astounded for a few minutes, the writer's block transiently passed when he came across the tattered memories he had so desperately forced to the back of his mind. Faded and nearly forgotten, the presence of his first love had resurfaced from the deep. It brought with it a dark, dismal virulency. Just the thought of her- his very own personal satan- made the blood in his veins boil.
Two long, exhausting years and not a damned thing to show for it but a decrepit heart. Oh how she weakened his frame of mind within those two dreary years! The way he now pictured her was no longer as the beautiful, charming, passionate lady he thought he once knew, but rather a vile, inconsiderate, disdainful beast. Every moment spent remembering her image just made the hate grow stronger and more powerful. If only to see her one more time, even for a split second, she would learn of the excruciating pain and suffering she brought him throughout those two years. Let bygones be bygones, thought the author, as he snuffed the hatred and ended his paper.


I'd also develop the ending more, and maybe swap "famished" for "desirous" or something.

You're a fag, Rain.


The emotion in that short story was contempt

LMFAO@ get your child spayed or neutered

youre txt doesnt communicate too well.
u have a scenario and a subject.
and u have his emotions.

its not really goin anywhere.

rewrite.
(i recommend u start with his emotions for her,and then let the narrative come in tidbits thru this internal dialogue.)
((but before even doing that,think what this txt is about,what are u tryin to tell? a story,are u conveying an emotion? etc))